


want to love you in my own language

by artificertary



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, all the pike feels, can you tell im still not over scanlan?, i need a happy ending for these two or I'll never be happy, i need my gnome back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 07:42:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10986477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificertary/pseuds/artificertary
Summary: Pike knows that she needs to be the strong one for her friends, but after Scanlan leaves she learns that maybe that doesn't need to be true.(Written before ep. 95)





	want to love you in my own language

“I don’t have many things that I care about.” Scanlan turned away from them slightly, obviously hurt and growing angrier. 

A little twinge that Pike didn’t quite understand panged in her chest. She hoped it wasn’t true, thinking back to the moments he made it obvious that he did care about at least one member of Vox Machina. She didn’t think about his grandiose gestures that were more for attention that not – instead she thought about the quiet moments that they had shared. Sitting around campfires as Scanlan hummed, climbing on top of the castle in Whitestone to look at the stars and even when he gave her the letter that in a way started all of this. 

Guilt began to well up inside her, she hadn’t listened to what he wrote – didn’t do what he wanted of her-twice. She had been selfish and terrified of never seeing him smirk at her or hear his nicknames for her ever again. 

“And I don’t have anything that cares about me.” Scanlan had shifted back to them with an accusing glare on his face. 

She wanted to say something at that but everyone around her bristled at his words and started yelling back. She listened to them all while trying to fight the tears that came dripping forth and sighed when the tears began to fall. She knew then that she wouldn’t yell at him, she would plead for him to stay. She would say anything, do anything – just so he wouldn’t leave. 

Her eyes caught his when he glanced at her through the rest of their friends. His gaze didn’t rest on her long, instead settling on a spot near her boots when he spat out “We traveled to the fucking Nine Hells to get Pike a suit of armor.”

Pike could feel her face scrunching up in pained sadness and suddenly her armor felt infinitely heavier. She took a few steps back and angrily wiped at her eyes, trying to tune out everything that Scanlan was saying. It was stupid, she decided, that she had ever thought things could grow to be different – that life would slow down and be fair to the both of them. Trickfoots weren’t often given happy lives, and she could see that she was no different. Her name caught her attention again and she strained to listen, 

“ – has Pike. Vax has Keyleth, Percy has Vex, but Scanlan has no one.” 

Had he forgotten about her entirely? Or did he just not care about her anymore? Maybe she had brushed him off one too many times, or maybe he just wanted something different – someone different. She didn’t always know what she wanted, it was hard to think about when so much had happened to all of them in just a few months. For a long while she had loved someone else dearly, but now it was all messed up and confusing. 

Scanlan started talking about his mother, and Pike’s heart sunk farther. The two of them had talked about Juniper before, but vaguely and infrequently. Scanlan’s voice broke just slightly and it made everything worse. 

It seemed that barely a breath had passed before Kaylie stepped into the room with her bag on her shoulder, asking her father if he was ready to leave. Pike’s fingers ghosted past her holy symbol around her throat, seeking any comfort that she could find in that moment. The poem she had written for him came to mind – _But if he’s gone forever I won’t be the same. _When she had seen Scanlan’s body, it was almost impossible to think that anything could be worse than that. And this wasn’t – he was alive and whole – but leaving them was unthinkable to her. How would the rest of them see her now? Grog loved her dearly and she loved him, and the rest of her friends loved her too but it was hard to always be what they needed her to be. Scanlan had idolized her longer than the rest of them, but had started to see how flawed and imperfect she could be, and it was comforting.__

__

__She couldn’t really see Scanlan through everyone else, but managed to catch one last glimpse before he was gone. The door swung shut briefly then slowed to a close, leaving the room in complete silence save a few angry whispers and her own tears. Suddenly Vex darted forward and grabbed a pillow, gracefully turning on one heel to throw it at the door with a resounding thud._ _

__

__Someone turned to ask if she was okay and she knew that she couldn’t really tell them how she felt. She straightened slightly and looked up at her friends with clenched fists,_ _

__

__“He needs to do this right? He needs to do this.”_ _

__

__She could feel their sad glances down at her, but one by one each member of Vox Machina left the room to deal with what had just happened in their own way. Before long, she was alone in a room that only served to remind her just how much she had failed Scanlan._ _

__

__Pike rubbed at the rest of the tears on her heated face and reached up to touch at her earring. It didn’t matter to her that everyone else could probably hear her, she only needed him to hear._ _

__

__“Scanlan? Can you hear me? I know you’re angry, but please don’t do this.”_ _

__

__Her voice wobbled a little but she pressed on,_ _

__

__“I know you think you don’t have anyone, but you have me. I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”_ _

__

__She could swear she heard breathing, and hoped that it was Scanlan who was listening. Pike took in a breath to say something else but the unmistakable crack of arcane energy resounded through the earring and silence reigned. He was really gone._ _

__

__Tears started to fall and the guilt she was feeling only became worse._ _

__

__***_ _

__

__Maybe two weeks had passed since Scanlan left when her friends triumphantly returned from the Nine Hells. They had all done so much, and it only made her relate to everything Scanlan had said more. It didn’t always feel like she was truly a part of Vox Machina, she had missed so much and sometimes she couldn’t relate at all to the stories they told her. They were important and heroic and she knew she could be too sometimes, but it was different for them. It was a constant._ _

__

__She knew it was probably silly and didn’t help anything but every night she touched her earring and talked to Scanlan, telling him everything she was feeling and about her day and anything else she could think of to just maybe get him to come back._ _

__

__That night was no different. When Grog passed out in the tavern she told him what she was thinking and it was comforting in a way she hadn’t experienced in a while. With Grog sleeping next to her, she could almost pretend that he was on the other end, waiting for her to stop talking so he could chime in with a witty line or heartfelt comment. It felt so real that she could swear she heard a saddened sigh just as sleep overtook her._ _

__

__Months passed uneventfully. She watched as Percy and Vex grew comfortable in Whitestone and their roles within the city. Vex had finally decided what she wanted her house to look like shortly after the Grey Hunt, and Percy indulged everything she asked for. It wasn’t long until Keyleth wanted to go back to her home and after some convincing Vax followed her willingly. Taryon had managed to rebuild Doty and the two of them explored around Whitestone, no doubt making everything sound much more impressive and dangerous than it ever would be._ _

__

__It didn’t take long for Grog to get bored of the quiet normalcy of Whitestone, and before long Pike found that she agreed with him. Whitestone was lovely but it wasn’t where she belonged. One morning after breakfast Pike found Grog getting ready to throw an axe that must have weighed more than she did into a wooden target 40 feet away. She glanced around and noticed that Grog had an audience. Since they had returned from the Nine Hells and stories had floated around of their accomplishments, the children of Whitestone seemed particularly enamored with her Goliath friend and followed him religiously. She turned her attention back to Grog and watched carefully as the axe left his hand - barely a second had passed before it hit the painted bullseye hard, causing the target to wobble and collapse to the ground. The children surrounding them jumped to their feet and started to cheer, a few running to the target to set it up again. Grog turned around, looking uncomfortable at the attention until he noticed her._ _

__

__“Pike! Do ya wanna do something today? We haven’t gone explorin’ in a while.”_ _

__

__She smiled brightly up at her friend as she said,_ _

__

__“Actually, I was thinking of something different.”_ _

__

__Grog looked puzzled for a few moments and then a wide smile crossed his face_ _

__

__“Wanna go to the tavern instead?”_ _

__

__She shook her head lightly and hefted the pack she was carrying over her other shoulder._ _

__

__“I was thinking about going to Emon. Would you want to come with me?”_ _

__

__With every word she spoke Grog looked more and more enthusiastic, nodding vigorously by the time she finished speaking._ _

__

__“Well, let’s go monstah!”_ _

__

__By that afternoon the two of them had packed everything they needed and had said their goodbyes to Percy and Vex. They didn’t get very far the first night or even the next two days, not seeing the need to rush their trip like they used to do when dragons had taken over._ _

__

__It was refreshing to travel like they were. It felt like it did when it was just her and Grog, and they hadn’t met the rest of Vox Machina yet. They talked about everything from old battles to Trinket, to the time they had sailed on a ship after completing Keyleth’s aramente. Sometimes they talked about Scanlan but those conversations ended quickly. It was hard for her to think about him too much, and she knew Grog was still not okay with everything that had happened._ _

__

__On the fifth day of travel, they woke up to the heaviest rains they had seen in a long time. The pair walked quickly, and sometimes when Pike’s feet grew tired Grog picked her up and they jogged for a while, hoping to quicken their pace. They continued like that for hours and hours, only stopping to eat and try to dry their clothes. They had just left the last bit of the forest, and in doing so their protection from the pouring rain. She wiped at the water dripping into her eyes, annoyed. They continued on for a while, hoping to come upon a tavern soon. It was hard to see through the rain, but Pike stopped dead in her tracks when she caught a glimpse of something she never thought she would see again. A shimmering, purple tinted door stood proudly well off the side of the road they were on._ _

__

__Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Grog stop, and turn around to look at her._ _

__

__“What’s the matter, Pike?”_ _

__

__She turned to him a little dazed, with a rush of hope and tears evident in her eyes._ _

__

__“Do you see that?”_ _

__

__She pointed directly at the door, waiting for Grog to understand why she was so excited. His eyes followed to where she was pointing and he only looked as confused as ever. “I don’t see nothin’, Pike. Maybe you need ta’ sleep. I think there’s a town ahead.”_ _

__

__Pike shook her head, dismayed. How could she be the only one to see it? Did she miss Scanlan enough to start seeing things? Yes, a small voice supplied in her head but she pushed it away. This seemed different – more real. Suddenly, it dawned on her. Before their fight with Vorugal, Scanlan had explained that only the people he wished to see the mansion door would be able to. An incredulous laugh flew through her lips and she caught herself. There must be some reason that Scanlan would show her the mansion and not Grog._ _

__

__Shaking herself from her thoughts she turned to Grog,_ _

__

__“I think I do need some sleep Grog, let’s go.” She jumped up and grabbed the Goliath by the hand, trying to drag him forward. She glanced back at the door, all the while trying to memorize everything she could about where it was._ _

__

__Grog followed her, confused but without protest. It was maybe half an hour before they found a small town that amounted to a tavern and little else. After paying for their rooms for the night, Pike bought herself and Grog a round of ale, boot tapping on the floor all the while. She didn’t think that Scanlan and Kaylie would leave in the middle of the night, but she couldn’t be sure. She needed to leave to go back as soon as she could._ _

__

__After an hour had passed and Grog had shown no signs of slowing down, or passing out any time soon, Pike grew impatient. She tried to think of something, anything that would work to excuse herself without Grog worrying._ _

__

__Absentmindedly, her right hand brushed past her holy symbol, sparking an idea. She hopped down from the bar stool with a thud, hurrying over to where Grog was sitting. Grog always had a way of knowing that she was there before she could possibly embarrass herself trying to get his attention, which she appreciated immensely._ _

__

__“Grog, I’m going to go see if there’s a temple to Sarenrae here. I want to pray for a little while before going to bed.”_ _

__

__Grog nodded slightly, looking like he was going to respond before a loud burp interrupted his thoughts. He smirked at the noise of it, and turned back to look down at her._ _

__

__“Okay, monstah. Do you want me to come with you? I don’ want you gettin’ hurt.”_ _

__

__She smiled up at him, shaking her head._ _

__

__“I’m okay, Grog! I’ll see you in the morning!”_ _

__

__With that, she turned quickly, making a beeline for the door. The rain had slowed to a drizzle, but the puddles that had formed on the road made for slow going. Nevertheless, Pike went as quickly as she could, armor clanking the whole way._ _

__

__After a while without seeing the door, she began to worry. What if they had really left and she missed her chance to see Scanlan again? She had so much to say to him, so much so that she didn’t even know where to begin. Well, the important bit would be a good start, she reasoned. Maybe five minutes later her worry that she had missed her chance to see Scanlan was replaced with a different kind of worry when she spotted the door to his mansion._ _

__

__The closer she got to the door, the more uncertain she got. What if he didn’t want to see her and she was going to make a fool of herself? Maybe he was still angry that they didn’t try to get to know him better, or worry more about him. Before long she found herself within arm’s reach of the door, and stopped dead in her tracks. Knocking seemed better than marching in, but lifting her gauntleted hand to the door felt impossible._ _

__

__She stood there for a while, wondering how long it would take her to get up the courage to do something. After a few excruciatingly long minutes, she knocked quietly. Her breath caught in her throat, all the nervousness she was feeling bubbling up at once. Nothing happened._ _

__

__Suddenly frustrated, she knocked again more forcefully this time, not stopping for a long while. Again, nothing happened. Pike raised her fist again to pound on the door, but as she did the door swung open._ _

__

__Pike straightened and took in a deep breath, not knowing what she would say, or how she would explain herself. Disappointment flared in her, strong and hot, when it wasn’t Scanlan who opened the door, but Kaylie._ _

__

__Unsurprisingly, Kaylie looked as surprised as Pike felt. The two stared awkwardly at each other, and Pike realized what a sight she must be. Her hair was soaked, and mud came up to her knees easily. Kaylie cleared her throat and spoke,_ _

__

__“Well, I suppose you want to see him, then?”_ _

__

__Pike nodded wordlessly, unsure of herself._ _

__

__Kaylie stepped back, opening the door wider._ _

__

__“He’s in the music room down the hall.”_ _

__

__Pike stepped into the mansion for the first time in a long time, and it felt right somehow. She heard the door close behind her as she walked in the direction Kaylie had pointed her in. The pleasant trilling of a flute caught her attention, bringing with it all sorts of emotions that Pike hadn’t dealt with fully since Scanlan left all those months ago._ _

__

__As Pike stepped forward into the doorway, she was able to take in the scene before her in its entirety. Scanlan was turned away from her, dressed simply but no less stylishly than before everything went south with the dragons. He seemed at ease, and all the tension that had worked its way into his shoulders incrementally before he left had disappeared. She watched longer than she probably should have without saying anything but she couldn’t bring herself to interrupt his song._ _

__

__Finally, he ended with a flourish that had become familiar through all the time they had spent together and the times he entertained her with his music. Pike watched as he lowered the flute to his side without turning around. She shifted slightly, aware of her intrusion more than ever._ _

__

__Her armor scraped against itself as a result, making a noise that would be hard to miss. She winced and waited for what would happen. Across the room, Scanlan froze and dropped his flute, as if he were no longer able to hold it. Pike took in a breath and watched as he turned, a strange look settled on his face._ _

__

__He looked so much better than when she had last seen him. The wounds from his battle with Raishan were nothing more than slightly pink scars, and he seemed so much more peaceful. The soft drip of water on her armor caught her attention and she realized that she was crying._ _

__

__Scanlan started towards her, his look softening into something she was relieved to see. With a hiccupping sob she started to ramble,_ _

__

__“Scanlan, I – I thought I wouldn’t see you again. You just left and I so badly wanted for you to stay. Everyone was so angry, and I was too but it was different and I had so many things I thought about telling you but now I can’t remember because I’m tired and cold and I’m crying again and I don’t know what to do –“_ _

__

__She paused when Scanlan stopped directly in front of her. Pike saw his hand reach out to grasp hers, soothingly running his thumb over her fingers. He looked back up at her and smiled gently, unsure._ _

__

__“Hi, Pike.” He sounded exactly as she remembered and it only made her cry harder._ _

__

__She stepped forward and flung her arms around him, holding him tightly. Pike felt his arms reach to hold her too, and they stayed like that for longer than she could know. Eventually, Pike reluctantly loosened her grip, pulling back slightly. Scanlan mirrored her movements, his eyes searching hers. Without thinking, she closed the distance between them and pressed her lips softly to his. He kissed back after a moment, not trying to make it anything more than sweet and long awaited._ _

__

__She laughed slightly to herself as the kiss ended, looking back at the gnome in front of her. He was smiling gently, a tear running down his own cheek. Pike wiped it away as delicately as she could and simply said,_ _

__

__“We have a lot to talk about, Scanlan.”_ _

__

__Scanlan nodded back, and replied_ _

__

__“We have a lot of time, Pikey.”_ _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! I'd love to read your comments! If you feel like following me on tumblr, my url is artificertary! I'd love to get any pikelan prompts or just yell about these gnomes <3


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